Hello friends, I wanted to begin by apologizing for not sharing with you as frequently as I had promised I would back in September. But seriously, I have nothing to apologize for and besides it would be more like an admission of guilt on my part for something I perceived as doing wrong, instead of just being forthright with you about my current mental state.
The last several months have been horrendous. I can't tell you the number of times I thought to myself, "What the F*&% was I thinking?". Or more accurately, found myself in the fetal position on my spare bedroom bed crying my eyes out as I labored over what Walter Lippmann's main point was and how the hell I was going to write a two-page paper on it for that week. Sounds easy? Try it, and while you're doing that read 200 more pages of complex theoretical and research-based articles that you don't understand.
Perhaps you've gone through grad school already, and as you read this you're thinking, grad school wasn't that hard for me. Maybe it wasn't, and if it wasn't I envy you. Honestly, I even had an appointment set up with disability services on campus to test whether or not I had a learning disability because I was having such a difficult time. I never went through with it because one, it was $300+ for the service and two, my grades started to get better and I devised a few strategies that helped me significantly.
The semester is winding down, and I'm three weeks out from finals and I hopefuly will earn the 3.0 gpa that is required to maintain my assistantship. I am finally caught up enough that I have an opportunity to reach through the clouds and see the light of day and feel the sun on my face. I couldn't wait to write to you all today because I hope for all those that read my blog I will be able to tell you that it is possible to be kicked in the teeth and still emerge victoriously. Now that I finally have some breathing room, I can say this to you all, but I still fret over whether or not I'm actually going to achieve the gpa I need to continue on to the spring semester.
I'm still quite nervous it won't happen, but that's exactly why I'm writing you all now. I sit here, completely caught up with my work and feeling confident that I'm going to make it, but there's a chance that I won't and I will lose my assistantship I worked so hard to get and I will have to make some extremely difficult decisions. I think the most nerve-racking and sickening thing about that possibility is everything I've sacrificed would seem to me wasted. Kyle and I's relationship has been seriously put to the test. We've been through a lot together in five years - with long distance for two years, then living so far from our families for three years that we relied solely on one another and then pinching and scrimping and scraping to save every penny to move here, closer to family. This transition has been the biggest challenge for us yet. But we're still together and have conquered another obstacle. I feel so fortunate and blessed to have such a remarkable man in my life. I've also compromised family relationships and I'm sure worried my mother about my mental health more than I have at any other point in my life. Thank you to my loved ones and friends for your unconditional support.
I've not taken nearly enough photos this semester to share with you all. I really have had some good times between all my moments of excruciation. I can only say that I was so caught up in the moments when I felt as if my very breath wasn't constricted by the demands of school that I didn't even want to step away for a quick second to capture the moment with a camera. I will try to do better because I have some pretty incredible people that I want to share with you all.
Stick with me.
ali
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